Anger is a normal feeling to have during a divorce. In fact, if you didn't feel angry there would probably be something very wrong. Usually, one person has been unhappy for a period of time preceding the divorce, and was angry during this time. When that person tells the other that he or she has decided to leave the marriage, the other is in shock and has to deal with lots of emotions - sorrow, fear and certainly anger.
Whether you are the angry one or are dealing with an angry (ex) spouse, it's never easy. Anger often builds up without your knowing it - and if you are not aware of feeling angry, the anger will cause you (or your spouse) to lash out.
Anger can be expressed in mediation and in fact, it is a valuable tool for a mediator to use to not only resolve the divorce, but also to help shape a better divorce agreement. In mediation anger is a clue that there is an important piece of information which has not yet been expressed, and which must be explored and understood. Anger tells me that someone has important needs which are not being met. When someone is angry I want to hear how they are feeling and I want to understand why they are angry. In mediation, anger gives us a key to use to shape a divorce agreement.
If you could resolve all of these problems yourselves, you probably wouldn't be getting divorced. All couples have issues which feel overwhelming to one or both of you - which feel, as if they cannot be resolved - but that is not a fact, it is how you feel. Hopefully, you are coming to mediation to help this resolution come sooner, rather than later.
I have seen people really transformed by the mediation process from the time when they first separate, when they are full of fear and don't know what their future will look like - and a year or so later, when all of the issues have been worked out and they have learned that they can survive and develop a new, full and satisfying life independent of their former spouse.
If the feelings are too painful, I will offer people the choice not to speak to each other directly. If someone is very angry, they may prefer to speak to me rather than to their spouse. We may need to take a break from mediation - sometimes for a few weeks - until the person starts to work through the anger and feel better. I may have some separate meetings with the angry person to help them explore their options and understand what is at the core of the anger - usually as part of a joint session in which I would also meet with the spouse to get his or her input on how to meet the needs of the angry person so that we can move through and work with the anger.
But when we use anger as a tool, it can fuel movement in mediation. I recently mediated a divorce where the husband, Bill* expressed a lot of anger during our first mediation session. He did not want to pay alimony (which in NY state is called maintenance), and he was furious that his wife, Cathy was requesting it. As we began to explore this issue, Cathy spoke about why she felt she was entitled to alimony - she said that she'd given up her career to take care of their children, and this was a joint decision they made when they had their first child. But this information did not ease his anger.
I asked Bill to tell us more about what he was feeling, and why he felt so strongly that he shouldn't have to pay maintenance. When I assured him that Cathy would listen and not interrupt, began to talk eloquently about how difficult this period of time had been for him - how he was living in a small apartment while his wife and children were in their spacious house - how he felt he didn't have money to go out to dinner or go to a movie, and how he was cooped up and alone in this small apartment while she was in their beautiful home with the children.
Bill's anger helped him to express some important needs - and needs that he had not before expressed. He felt that financially, things were very tight. He felt under a lot of pressure to be the breadwinner. He felt that Cathy didn't understand what he was going through. He felt that he didn't see his children enough.
Cathy was able to hear all of this during our mediation session. She responded by talking about the financial pressures she felt, too. She couldn't buy new shoes for the children or for herself, nor could she get her hair colored. Cathy was sympathetic to her husband and was even having a similar experience.
Cathy had planned to go back to work, but after listening to Bill, she said that she realized she needed to try to find a job immediately. She said it was not at all trying to keep the children from their father, and offered to alter the schedule anytime he could get off work early so that he could spend more time with the children.
When I helped Cathy to listen to Bill, and Bill felt heard by her, his anger began to dissipate. He acknowledged what a wonderful mother she had been to their children, and how glad he was that she'd been able to be home with the children until now, and was even able to realize that he felt sad that she wasn't going to continue to be home with the children.
This family was able to resolve their conflict over alimony and the anger was a useful tool that helped us to accomplish this resolution. Once Cathy began to plan to go back to work, Bill relaxed about the issue of alimony. Because they were both having the same experience about money, the discussion shifted. Instead of the problem being whether Cathy would take money from Bill, we instead confronted a shared problem - how to have more money in the family?
I told the couple about tax implications - money paid for child support is not deductible, but money paid for maintenance IS deductible. Suddenly, Bill's eyes lit up. He realized that if he paid alimony to Cathy, and she used it to run the household, they would both end up in lower tax brackets, thereby resulting in a net tax savings.
We ended the session talking about how much and how long he should pay Cathy maintenance, instead of whether he would give it to her.
Sometimes anger cannot be so easily resolved. Many fights are caused by disappointed expectations. But no one gets married expecting to divorce - disappointed expectations are painful to swallow - but are to be expected during a divorce.
If you feel overwhelmed by the feelings of your divorce, do not be afraid to seek help. Get some additional support in your life - consider seeing a therapist for a period of time. The more support you get, the faster you will get through this and come out the other side. You WILL find your way through all of these difficult changes. Someday you will look back on this and find that there are ways that it made you stronger.
http://www.divorcehq.com/articles/angryatyourspouse.html
Thursday, August 23, 2007
A Brief Overview of the Psychology of Money (within the Context of Marriage and Divorce)
For almost all the couples I provide divorce mediation services to, ongoing quarrels and differences over money are frequently cited as one of the primary reasons for their marriage problems. I also find that couples are even more uncomfortable talking about their differences with regard to money than almost any other issue, including sexual dissatisfaction. For these reasons, I think it is worth exploring the psychology of money, both within the context of relationships and marriage, and in the context of the process of divorce.
We inherit money behaviors and attitudes from our families and other influential people in our lives. According to social learning theory, spending behaviors can be viewed as learned behavior that is passed from generation to generation. Some of these behaviors may be influenced by religious teachings or cultural norms.
According to psychologists D'Astous and Forties, spending behaviors and their patterns have been conceived as existing along a continuum running between two poles. One pole represents the "holding on" behaviors, or a preoccupation with the acquisition and hoarding of money while the other pole represents the obsessive spending of money:
Hoarders /Underspenders
According to Kaye, the author of Credit, Cash and Codependency: The Money Connection, hoarders live by the phrase, "But, I might need it someday." Many hoarders lived through the Depression, the Holocaust, or some other conflict where there were not sufficient funds to meet their families needs. Underspenders represent the most extreme condition of hoarding where they may resist spending, even to their own detriment. They won't seek medical help when they are ill... they won't buy seasonal clothes to deal with the climate.
Compulsive Spenders
For people who are overspenders, often, possessions give them identity. Overspending can involve over-use of credit, or the need to spend money to create a mood change. Kaye says that "Buying is their only way to feel good. It is their fix." Spending works as a kind of anesthetic for the pain. Further, these people live in a debtor's prison of their own making. The very shame that torments them arising from their out-of-control spending is the same dynamic that compels them to do it again.
Within the context of a marriage, what can couples do to enhance communication and reduce conflict between each other? The first step could be to understand their spending behaviors and those of their spouse... i.e. to identify where their behaviors fall on the continuum between the two extremes of hoarding and spending. Each person should then evaluate how much of a problem they think their own spending is, and how much of a problem their spouse's problem is. With this as a starting point, they can start to examine why they have their particular attitudes towards money (e.g. did their parents spend in the same pattern), and what they can do together to reach peace with each other and also meet their longer-term financial goals.
One point to note, there are situations where both partners share a pattern of overspending and therefore don't perceive that there is a problem. However, as the couple starts to accumulate large amounts of debt, especially credit card debt, and neither party feels that they should be the one curbing their spending, marriage problems often surface.
For people with extreme hoarding or spending patterns, psychologists stress that recovery from is not unlike recovery from other substance abuse. This is not merely a "how to handle your money" issue. It must be integrated along with an improved sense of self-worth and self-esteem.
Separation and divorce can add a myriad of problems to couples with money issues. Two together still live more cheaply than one, just based on having one rental obligation rather than two. The additional stress of the marital situation can cause a party with a compulsion to hoard or to spend to gravitate to that pole for comfort. Another driving force can be the desire to punish the spouse who wants out of the marriage by making them pay. One of the suggestions I give separating couples is to open up separate bank and credit accounts and have each person take responsibility for budgeting and managing their own expenses. This is often the first step in the necessary process of establishing independence and self-control.
Single, married, separated or divorced -- whatever your situation, its worthwhile to do some self-searching to understand your attitudes towards money and how they impact your relationships. As Phil Laut indicates in his book Money is My Friend, money is a far more emotional topic than most people acknowledge. He goes on to say that "our state of mind affects the way we earn, spend and invest. Unless we deal with our unconscious attitudes, we will almost certainly sabotage our success."
http://www.divorcesource.com/NJ/ARTICLES/jessani5.html
We inherit money behaviors and attitudes from our families and other influential people in our lives. According to social learning theory, spending behaviors can be viewed as learned behavior that is passed from generation to generation. Some of these behaviors may be influenced by religious teachings or cultural norms.
According to psychologists D'Astous and Forties, spending behaviors and their patterns have been conceived as existing along a continuum running between two poles. One pole represents the "holding on" behaviors, or a preoccupation with the acquisition and hoarding of money while the other pole represents the obsessive spending of money:
Hoarders /Underspenders
According to Kaye, the author of Credit, Cash and Codependency: The Money Connection, hoarders live by the phrase, "But, I might need it someday." Many hoarders lived through the Depression, the Holocaust, or some other conflict where there were not sufficient funds to meet their families needs. Underspenders represent the most extreme condition of hoarding where they may resist spending, even to their own detriment. They won't seek medical help when they are ill... they won't buy seasonal clothes to deal with the climate.
Compulsive Spenders
For people who are overspenders, often, possessions give them identity. Overspending can involve over-use of credit, or the need to spend money to create a mood change. Kaye says that "Buying is their only way to feel good. It is their fix." Spending works as a kind of anesthetic for the pain. Further, these people live in a debtor's prison of their own making. The very shame that torments them arising from their out-of-control spending is the same dynamic that compels them to do it again.
Within the context of a marriage, what can couples do to enhance communication and reduce conflict between each other? The first step could be to understand their spending behaviors and those of their spouse... i.e. to identify where their behaviors fall on the continuum between the two extremes of hoarding and spending. Each person should then evaluate how much of a problem they think their own spending is, and how much of a problem their spouse's problem is. With this as a starting point, they can start to examine why they have their particular attitudes towards money (e.g. did their parents spend in the same pattern), and what they can do together to reach peace with each other and also meet their longer-term financial goals.
One point to note, there are situations where both partners share a pattern of overspending and therefore don't perceive that there is a problem. However, as the couple starts to accumulate large amounts of debt, especially credit card debt, and neither party feels that they should be the one curbing their spending, marriage problems often surface.
For people with extreme hoarding or spending patterns, psychologists stress that recovery from is not unlike recovery from other substance abuse. This is not merely a "how to handle your money" issue. It must be integrated along with an improved sense of self-worth and self-esteem.
Separation and divorce can add a myriad of problems to couples with money issues. Two together still live more cheaply than one, just based on having one rental obligation rather than two. The additional stress of the marital situation can cause a party with a compulsion to hoard or to spend to gravitate to that pole for comfort. Another driving force can be the desire to punish the spouse who wants out of the marriage by making them pay. One of the suggestions I give separating couples is to open up separate bank and credit accounts and have each person take responsibility for budgeting and managing their own expenses. This is often the first step in the necessary process of establishing independence and self-control.
Single, married, separated or divorced -- whatever your situation, its worthwhile to do some self-searching to understand your attitudes towards money and how they impact your relationships. As Phil Laut indicates in his book Money is My Friend, money is a far more emotional topic than most people acknowledge. He goes on to say that "our state of mind affects the way we earn, spend and invest. Unless we deal with our unconscious attitudes, we will almost certainly sabotage our success."
http://www.divorcesource.com/NJ/ARTICLES/jessani5.html
10 Tips to Help Your Child Through Divorce
Helping your child through your divorce may be one of the most difficult tasks you will ever face as a parent. The following is a brief list of practical tips that can help as you walk through this difficult time with your child.
1. Be honest. Don't lead your child to believe "dad's away on business" or "everything is going to be wonderful". Children are very perceptive. They know if a parent is trying to hide something, even if the purpose is to spare their feelings. Children need simple straightforward answers they can understand, without blame or making anyone wrong or bad.
2. Let your child know it is not their fault. All children assume they may be responsible for their parents' breakup. Children need to be gently reassured repeatedly over the first couple of years that the divorce is an adult decision having nothing to with them or their behavior.
3. Listen quietly. Children have many questions, feelings, assumptions and concerns about divorce. Many parents find it difficult to just sit quietly and listen to their children talk without trying to interrupt with a "fix-it" statement. Children need to feel heard with quiet patience and undivided attention.
4. Let your child know however they respond to the divorce is O.K. Many children hide their feelings of sadness, grief, anger or confusion because they are afraid expressing these feelings will upset their parents. Children need to know all their feelings are acceptable.
5. Let your child know it is normal for them to want their parents to get back together again. Children can feel ashamed about this very normal wish. You can explain to your child that once divorced, it is very unlikely that people ever get back together, but their wish for reconciliation is very normal.
6. Reassure your child of personal safety. Many children are concerned if their parents divorce there will not be enough food or shelter or clothing for them. Children living with single mothers may also need reassurance that she has a plan to protect them in case of fire, "burglars" or "ghosts".
7. Ask your child about friends of theirs whose parents are divorced. This is a good way to learn of your child's fears and assumptions about divorced parents, and gives you the opportunity to clear up any misconceptions and remind them that other children have gone through what they are now going through.
8. Don't put your child in the middle or try to make them take sides. Don't say anything about your ex in earshot of your child. Don't have your child carry messages to your ex. Children need to be able to love both parents. If one parent is disapproving of affection a child expresses toward the other parent, the child will begin to withdraw, become dishonest or depressed.
9. Spend time with caring friends. Having a supportive network can protect your child from becoming your confidant and feeling responsible for your emotional well being. It can also give you a higher frustration tolerance for the normal everyday things kids do.
10. Read together and talk about a book on divorce for children. This will help you explain important facts to your child and help your child formulate questions they might otherwise not have words for. A wonderful interactive book to read with your child is My Parents Still Love Me Even Though They're Getting Divorced, written by Dr. Lois V. Nightingale, a Clinical Psychologist, for children and their families. More about this book can be found at rose.nightingalecenter.com.
http://www.nightingalecenter.com/archive/tentips.html
Using a Lawyer vs. a Collection Agency to Collect Debt
If your letter writing, personal meetings and phone calls have all failed to resolve a debt issue, it is time to call in a professional -- a debt collection agency or a lawyer specializing in debt collection.
According to the American Collectors Association, third-party collection agencies collected and returned more than $32.2 billion to the U.S. economy in 1997.
The most obvious choice to collect an unpaid debt is a collection agency. Agencies come in all sizes -- some are local, some specialize in handling certain kinds of debts and others are national in scope. The cost varies, depending on the volume of business you bring to the table and the amount of debt that is to be collected. Plan on paying 25 to 30 percent of the amount collected, with some agencies demanding a 50-50 split.
A collection agency will take many of the same actions against the debtor that you have probably taken. Third-party collectors are aided by specialized phone systems, computers and software designed to automate the process and make it more effective and cost-efficient in retrieving payment on delinquent accounts. A series of letters will be generated sternly warning of the consequences of ignoring repayment. Phone calls will be made to deliver the same message.
There are also lawyers who specialize in debt collection. They can be more effective than a collection agency, especially if the debt is serious enough to consider legal action. An attorney may charge an hourly fee or collect at least one third of the amount recovered, or both. Attorneys usually charge a minimum fee or require the debt be of a minimum amount. Payment to the attorney will be in addition to any court-related fees and charges connected with a lawsuit, if you decide to pursue a judgment in court. If you´re not willing to take your customers to court over a past-due account, then there´s probably no reason to hire an attorney.
Most companies refer debt to a collection agency first and then turn to an attorney if the agency can´t do the job. While it might seem that a collection agency would be cheaper than hiring a lawyer, that´s not always the case. The price of a collecting a debt depends on the complexity and magnitude of the collection -- sometimes debt can be collected with two simple letters from a collection agency, other times it´s smarter just to hire a lawyer, send the mandatory set of collection letters and then head to court. The most expensive scenario is working with a collection agency only to have to hire an attorney later.
Whether you choose to use a collection agency or a lawyer to recover the money you are owed, be sure to ask for a client list before getting started. Try to meet with the owner or manager of the collection agency or one of the partners of the law firm before you turn over your debt. You can check with the Commercial Law League of America for certification of collection agencies and legal experts. A decision to hire should not be based totally on price or percentage -- sometimes the promise of a higher fee can help motivate the collector to bring in more cash.
http://www.buyerzone.com/finance/collections/ab-debt-collection-lawyer.html
According to the American Collectors Association, third-party collection agencies collected and returned more than $32.2 billion to the U.S. economy in 1997.
The most obvious choice to collect an unpaid debt is a collection agency. Agencies come in all sizes -- some are local, some specialize in handling certain kinds of debts and others are national in scope. The cost varies, depending on the volume of business you bring to the table and the amount of debt that is to be collected. Plan on paying 25 to 30 percent of the amount collected, with some agencies demanding a 50-50 split.
A collection agency will take many of the same actions against the debtor that you have probably taken. Third-party collectors are aided by specialized phone systems, computers and software designed to automate the process and make it more effective and cost-efficient in retrieving payment on delinquent accounts. A series of letters will be generated sternly warning of the consequences of ignoring repayment. Phone calls will be made to deliver the same message.
There are also lawyers who specialize in debt collection. They can be more effective than a collection agency, especially if the debt is serious enough to consider legal action. An attorney may charge an hourly fee or collect at least one third of the amount recovered, or both. Attorneys usually charge a minimum fee or require the debt be of a minimum amount. Payment to the attorney will be in addition to any court-related fees and charges connected with a lawsuit, if you decide to pursue a judgment in court. If you´re not willing to take your customers to court over a past-due account, then there´s probably no reason to hire an attorney.
Most companies refer debt to a collection agency first and then turn to an attorney if the agency can´t do the job. While it might seem that a collection agency would be cheaper than hiring a lawyer, that´s not always the case. The price of a collecting a debt depends on the complexity and magnitude of the collection -- sometimes debt can be collected with two simple letters from a collection agency, other times it´s smarter just to hire a lawyer, send the mandatory set of collection letters and then head to court. The most expensive scenario is working with a collection agency only to have to hire an attorney later.
Whether you choose to use a collection agency or a lawyer to recover the money you are owed, be sure to ask for a client list before getting started. Try to meet with the owner or manager of the collection agency or one of the partners of the law firm before you turn over your debt. You can check with the Commercial Law League of America for certification of collection agencies and legal experts. A decision to hire should not be based totally on price or percentage -- sometimes the promise of a higher fee can help motivate the collector to bring in more cash.
http://www.buyerzone.com/finance/collections/ab-debt-collection-lawyer.html
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